It's easy to complain about everything, no matter how good things are, and I realise that I do it a fair bit, but I guess this might be a common problem, so maybe this will be the last obstacle to overcome before becoming a person, who knows. And I know people talking about themselves is frightfully boring, so bear with me.
I'm drifting away from my friends, and I think I'm doing it on purpose.
I've always preferred my own company, preferred being alone and doing my own thing, but I've been very lucky in making a solid group of friends throughout my life, and lucky to always be in the same area as them (London being the most recent place). So for the past 6 years I've kept myself involved as much as I can while having 2 jobs (I worked nights for about 6 years).
I've now moved further afield as renting in London is pretty extortionate, and I'm also lucky enough to be working as an artist full time, so my income ranges from piss-poor to non-existent. I've moved quite far out with my girlfriend, and now it's a 3/4 hour round trip to go and meet up with friends, which means I need to head off early, cutting a few hours out of my working day, and then leave whatever event I'm at early to make sure I get back at something resembling a normal time, so I can at least try to be up early the next day to resume work.
I work everyday, I have to because I'm freelancing full-time. Every job that comes my way, I basically have to do because you need to earn money to live, and I want to put off having to get a part-time job again for as long as possible, because if your not committed 100%, then it's very hard to produce good work. And good work leads to more work.
I sometimes have to drop what I'm doing as a job will come in unannounced, deadlines will change, come forward, go back, jobs will cancel, all come at once, lose funding half-way through, the nature of the work is so flakey that I'm finding it's better to never make any plans, so I don't have to go through the hassle of a last minute cancellation.
I also want the time to concentrate on my own work and projects, because when your establishing yourself as an artist, you work on a lot of half-arsed ideas that lead to either terrible work you don't want to show, or work that just doesn't benefit you in the long run. And at the moment, I have very little time to do that. Oh, and don't even get me started on comics.
And then there is the pay, which is so bad, that I'm working double the time for half the money.
So after all that, plus a girlfriend, I find that I no longer have the time to spend with anyone else. I've barely gone out my way to see anyone for last couple of months, and I'm beginning to feel that if I distance myself enough, I'll no longer feel guilty about never turning up.
I got called a 'circumstantial friend' in a snide remark the other day, and I think they're right. I have nothing left to give time-wise, and I'm not getting any older, I really need to make being an artist a viable career, and I have so much to learn still. I find if your not a digital painter, you just don't get any attention, so have to work twice as hard to get a job, or even get noticed.
So now I'm left feeling that if I just cut all my ties, and concentrate on myself then I just might be able to make it up later. But I know being alone is no way to live. I wonder if it even really matters in the long run, and if my friends will understand. I know people drift away from each other over time, but doing it on purpose to benefit yourself, to give up so easily, is pretty selfish, no?
Anyone else gone through something similar with their work/life relationship?